This weekend started bad and ended worse. I am pretty sure this has been the most troubling, confusing, hurtful weekend in all my 33 years of life. I feel more scared and upset than I did when my dad had brain surgery to remove a tumor eight years ago this month. More sad and fearful than when my water broke eight weeks early when I was pregnant with Henry.
I truthfully can't remember another time where I have been as upset as I am at this moment. I wish I could give you details but at this point there aren't many. More questions than answers.
I came to work today, although yesterday I was pretty sure I would stay home. I've been crying all weekend. My eyes are so pink and puffy it felt like I was trying to draw a straight line on a balloon while I was putting on my eyeliner this morning.
I thought work might be a good distraction. And it has been, to an extent.
But the distractions have also been a reminder of the seriousness of this situation. The things I've heard other people talking about, or complaining about -- the cold weather, the long, hard walk up the hill from the parking lot, having to stay up all night to finish a paper -- sound, well, shallow. Things I was worried about a few days ago -- getting Christmas cards out, finishing my syllabus for my spring semester classes, my two year-old's sinus infection -- now seem completely insignificant.
I don't care about anything right now. All I care about is one person, my brother, and all I can do, from 800 miles away is hope, pray, that he is going to be O.K.
While my entire family gathers tonight at my sister's house, little brother included, to watch the Vikings on Monday Night Football, it's hard not to think about all that I (we) have sacrificed in pursuit of a career, success -- a dream. And it's difficult not to wonder if the heavy cost is worth it.
All the family events we've missed -- weddings, funerals, births, holiday celebrations, birthdays -- and now this. This crisis, and I'm not there. There's never been a time where I've missed my family more. Everybody is together tonight. But me.
People have said before that I look like Elizabeth Montgomery from "Bewitched." Personally I've never seen the resemblance. But today I wish I were her, or rather, the character she played. I would twitch my nose and transport myself to Virginia. Right to my brother's side.
I love you, B.